dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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