I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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