Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
