Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
