Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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