His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
