i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
