he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
