Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize