Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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