If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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