And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Still dying that you shit outside
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
