Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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