I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
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In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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