I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
