Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
