the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
