I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
