dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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