his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
