I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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