he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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