This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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