i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
