im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
