She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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