I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
In America we eat man semen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
