Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
