the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
