It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
