the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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