never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
