That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
