Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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