I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
