I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize