i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
