Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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