I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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