He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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