your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
