the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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