3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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