textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize