i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
