I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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