I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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Come back. Shots need mouths.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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