She's JV to your varsity
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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