I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
