I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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