JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
